Know for hiring the best, most qualified people. Trump hires a surviving Japanese WWII scientist to teach him “worse than waterboarding” techniques to use and masterbate to in Gitmo.
“He use to inject feces in soldiers,” said Trump to his cheering flock, “this guy knows true torture, and I only hire the most qualified.”
Staffers say, even know he is on his last legs, he is in peak condition to start on new “advanced interrogation techniques.” shouting how “Rumsfeld was a joke.”
Hillary Clinton was to busy counting Military Arms supplier’s money to comment.

Twitter Boss, Jack Dormat, just said, “dude I am Irish, I had a head ache from boozing,” he said going on, “I just wanted the woman who called me in the early morning to shut up…oh the voice…she could shout!”
According to Mr. Jack Dormat his decision to cut Milo was not to defend an insult to Harold Ramis, or deal with any hate, it was just shutting up a late phone call that cut in the middle of his wisky.
He “@nero” got int trouble before, “but it never cut in the middle of my traditional Irish drinking before.” Dormat started asking for a fist fight and passed out, ending this story.
When asking Mzzzz Jones why she can’t take a heckle, unprofessionalism was all she could offer as a reason. I just hope this becomes a South Park episode.

CONSEAD, FANTAHZLAND – According to the self deluded feeling of importance, not only did Nintendo cause mental anguish to Zoe Quinn but now she has filed Rape Charges because she feels this new “Earthbound Game” (released in 1999) intentionally harmed her fragile weak will when she saw they had a band in it called, “The Runaway Five.” “So what,” Zoe said, when it was explained that this was a 1996 Virtual Console re-release.

According to this obscure character named Quinn, “They should have remade the game to remove the five from all phrases.” “Is that too much to ask?”
Nintendo, as usual, had no confession to offer, making what’s-her-name angrier as we forget who the fuck that was again…who the hell is she anyway? Made some sort of Cheese Burger or something?
One thing for sure, no one will forget what ever this was about, something about a rag or something..

Serious Article if you want to find out what this is a satire of, likely will, wouldn’t blame you.

CANCIL, MISS – In a stomp out of professionalism and into politics (pretending he didn’t know what to expect from Mississippi), Bryan Adams storms out of the Mississippi Dive Bar that was going to have him and into a lake River where some curious Catfish ate him hole. “He tastes like his muzak,” said the Catfish, “like shit!” He goes on to saying, “It was like eating a elevator radio, and if you know Catfish, you know I might have.”
The Catfish said, “I don’t know about pastries, but damn I am glad it was some white meat, not another nigger,” when probed more on the politics of Gays he said, “I don’t care about gay or straight, just no inter-racial cakes!”
A few minutes with this fish and you will get too sick for pastries, or maybe it was the moonshine I drank that caused me to talk to a Catfish, I have no fucking idea, I just home I am typing now, I can’t see anything…..

WILIGNORAN, SWEEDEN – In the west a movement has successfully taken anti-religious hatred and xenophobia and legitimized it in one motion championed by the International Association of Xionists, United Association of United Baptist Churches with celebrity spokesman Bill Maher at a UN Summit. In the Summit, it was decided, the official name in the world for Islam will now be Rape.
“Finally, it’s not just the definition of men as a whole,” said Femixionist Neah Krotchsky said, “No all men are rapists, but it is okay to consider Islamic rapists as 2 for every non-Islamic,” she goes on, “it worked with our war on the Papists, making each child molested by priest equal 2 molested boys with all lies made true.”
Donald Trump was asked about the news, and all he could say, “Mexico is Islamic?”
Sweeden’s Premier, who fought for “No-go” zones, said, “Let’s keep Rape white on white.”

TORONTO, ON – Hamburgers suffered a huge 6th place upset to cake, donuts and crack. We can’t believe that Cancer was the ultimate champion over Mr. Ford, said Burgers. Crack and Cake were upset, but Donuts were the most gracious in their 2nd place position.
This was the biggest upset since Chris Christy dropped half his weight to 1 ton.

BIPART, MD – In a fishing and ceremonial spanking weekend just outside of Washington, DC the leaders of both major Political Parties joined in their annual meeting of their Super PAC: “Two Parties One Voice.”
As well as almost all other things, they have agreed to support gun rights as long as private psychiatric information is shared to the public, all deemed insane denied their rights.
“It’s genius!,” said Karl Rove, “We can pretend to support gun rights and use our forced psychiatric system to deny rights of Targeted Individuals using mental health law, rather than criminal law. Making sure only our preferred people have guns.”
Senator Feinstein is finally glad they all hammered out a Bipartisan Platform for the fall and united on the gun issue, uttering an “End to debate in our free society.”

BLUDSUK, BC – BC MLAs are currently debating how high their next pay rise vote should go, meanwhile they will feel it is justified by offering others under “People with Disabilities” a 77/mo without Compass Card and 25 with Compass (Bus) Card.
The Parliament is gleaming with self satisfaction. “While our pay is going way beyond inflation, we can feel good that we helped disability creep up to it,” said the Premier who wanted to be unnamed, “we also made sure people with some old money coming to them as inheritance is protected,” she went on.
Many social progression activists are pleased public arts grants have not suffered so PWD recipients can have the 77 and the Compass Card.

DRUM CIRCLE JERK, BC – Vancouver Mayor, Gregor Robertson, announced, in front of media and a drum circle of granola farmers, a new public space to be made on an Arbutus CN track purchased by the City for Part of the City.
In a speech he thanked all the funny walking tax payers and said this will go down in history as a fond memory like the New Strainer Roof Convention Centre. “Sure we don’t really have the money for this, and yes it will not be new housing to solve the homeless problem, I clearly solved by 2014,” he said, “but it will be pretty.”
He announced a section for hugging trees, the new Drum Circle Square, the self indulgence centre for Smug Students, and the glory hole bathrooms. Extra plans for a Transexual Surgical Hut are in the works.
Meanwhile the City still refuses to let E. Hasting’s London Drugs outlet put out a new Computer Dept full of jobs, because of a barely used public Garden wants to use the land.

DELUDED, FL – Marco Rubio, once played by John Neville in a Terry Gilliam 1988 movie, has won been declared a winner in his own head. In his wins it will push him over the top in a land filled with candy and bubble gum and no Trump or Cruz or Kasich.
Rubio says that he is proud to have beaten Vermin Supreme in the narrow “*Imagination Land” race.
Course even there it’s just a caucus and some delegates still went to Supreme. This did not stop Rubio from announcing his transition team into the White House.

*Yes an homage

LILYDEBATE, TX – “Who is that?” asked Wolf Blitzer today seeing Dr. Carson in the debate. “I didn’t realize this was the Democrat debate, colored people are Democrats.”
“I will not aide such a race traitor, by offering them fair shakes in the debates,” Blitzer says, “Sure let Trump and Cruz and Rubio have a cat fight, at no end, but I will not let Carson speak ill of his Democrat masters.”
Carson later said he’d get to say more at a Klan rally, at least they’d give him last words. Hulk Hogan said, “This was the best Presidential Debate ever.”

NAMECALL, TX – “I’m beating him off in the polls,” claims Trump regarding polls. So only one question is left, when does he and Ted Cruz get married? This claim of pre-marital hand jobs, and the public poll backing the claim, will hurt them with the conservative base.
Kansas Democrats have currently been preparing “God Hates Trump,” signs since the debate confession.
90% say he was beating off Cruz, 5% say it’s mutual masturbation, and the rest wonder when there will be real news rather than more polling.

GRANOLA, ON – A woman other kind-wolf-alien-negro-fern was rushed to hospital after being shot my a massive automatic weapon of trigger words offending all she is and claims to be.
Currently in traction, Granola PD officials said she suffered many wounds to her ego, and is in serious condition.
A Candlelight vigil is planned, and an outcry by Anita Sarkeesian has demanded all future video games be about sensitivity training.
The triggering occurred when she read her followed posters on twitter and while listening to CoD players while doing her nails.

CORPTOWN, NASDAQ – In sight of criticism Subway has announced it will stop selling the free Candy 2 inch Jared Sub. The CBC may institute new policy regarding strangling on the job, “we might decide it is counter productive to allow employees to strangle people where they may easily be caught,” says CEO of the CBC-Chum Corporation.
This new saving face policy strategy is getting glowing reviews, although Disney lost some interest in Subway over their sudden anti-Paedophilia stance. “Next thing you know they will show support for filthy Jews,” says Disney spokesman lock stepping away.
Jared is Greenlit to direct the sequel to Powder after his prison term.
Facebook also has plans to institute an autopsy on anyone holding an odd or ethnic birth name, to confirm ID.

TUMBLRLAND, BAY AREA, CA – “I was frightened, his eyes were raping me,” typed a distraught woman, describing her assault on the bus. “I have anxiety, PTSD, Vaginal Trauma and a new selfie,” she says, “and all on this from that man’s eyes looking in my direction.”
Bay are police say they have detained the man and found he claims he was looking at the view behind her, but claim that under a Mayor Newsance directive, that they must take all rape accusations seriously no matter how absurd, as long as they filled out a Tumblr report.
“Eye rape is very serious,” said the Mayor’s aide, “and we will fight this to the bitter end.”
A legal suit has been pushed forward by Gloria Toored, just in case it fails on the lack of evidence.
No ocular fluid was found present at the scene, or discovered via rape kit.

GRAND DRAGON BYRD COUNTY, SC – Trump demanded the FBI investigate Rubio spotting his daughter, “clearly his beaner mind is thinking rape when seeing the blonde..hot…daugh…,” said Trump in an official complaint.
In a speech later, he claims it is not right for him to run until proven innocent of Rape. “How can we feel safe, as average Americans with him in the White House?” said Trump, while ordering more land from the new Eminent Domain section at Amazon.
No one can be sure of the outcome, but the FBI were filled with positive laughter.

WASHINGTON, DC – In a move that would only honor Scalia’s death greatly, Trump decided to obtain the White House the way he got any of his offices, through eminent domain. “Why would I bother with an expensive Campaign, when past Presidents have made it easier for me,” said Trump who went on to say, “I want to Govern as I conducted Business and why not start with taking the office how I took other properties?”
Currently a Casino and two new Towers are being built on 1600 Penn.

FUNNYFARMS, BC – It was once you could go on the internet and know feelings might be hurt on Usenet, but now you can be in fear of hurtful comments with stickers and some-mogi-emoticon thngs.
Well psychiatrists are eager to send authorities straight to your door now, the moment a hurtful comment is on your profile or tagged about you and force feed you pills on suicide watch, with a new Mental Health Team initiative.
“I had no idea they knew I had my feelings hurt,” said the patient, “I wasn’t….” cut off by the psychiatric official before she could finished he responded it’s great to enjoy an all paid vacation by a drug company. He says Phyzter will cure her of any presumed “bully pains,” and she need not be forced to feel again.
The health Minister was very pleased about it, “I am glad to throw money at any bogus mental health claims,” he said while tossing money into the fire place. It was unfortunate to view all the masturbation when reaching the issue of the forced treatment, but he said, “uuhhh…uhh..oh..ahhhhh…” at the point the word “force” was uttered and his eyes rolled back.
We can all sleep well, never again would parents have to involve themselves in their children’s lives due to funeral arrangements.

PLAIN PAPER ENVELOPE, ONT, CANADA – In attempt to enforce progressive safe space laws. All hurt feelings in opinions, jokes and satires will be sent to a Tumblr Tribunal. “It is the only way to ensure our hate crime laws go punished properly,” said Pie….Justin Trudeau, “I will have no one cry while watching twitter, if they are of protected species.”
This PM issued bill will ensure protected species status for Unables and Other Kins on top of the usual GLBTq and Racial Minorities who agree people are born GLBTq.
“Not since cancer, has anyone been this progressive,” said a man on the street we can not name due to “journalistic ethics.”
In related news, they will be holding a Tumblr hosted book burning, so bring your favorite fire place warmer downtown and join the Liberal Party fundraiser.

Front Courts, MN – LA was brutally beaten by Minnesota, “sorry” said lead Minnesota Player. The win was discovered to be a constant cocaine break on the LA side. A secret coaching treatment since they added a famous morale killer to the team coaching staff, named Kloe. According to the Total Melvin Zone, she said she was thrilled to get this attention as she walked over several bodies like Turks did to her family decades ago.

Dumpster Dive, CA – In a report by the Total Melvin Zone, some crazy assed bitch killed a man by writing his name on her hand. When asked, the stalker said, “we reported extensively about this crazy assed bitch and no one heeded the warning.” An LA County Coroner office said, “the bribe is okay, but you only get one question,” and being asked about the cause of death, he said, “Crazy Assed Bitch with Creepy Tattoo.” This horrible event just leaves us wondering, what low life bottom feeding humorist will pick his bones first.

LEGION OF DOOM, ON – In a grand announcement a party merger between Oligarchist, Sovietism and Princess Justin have joined together to announce a merger of the Conservative, NDP, and Liberal Party to a National Socialist Party of Canada. “So no more apologies needed for the airport,” a spokesman said. Laws enforcing Vegan, Non-Smoking and opposing all fun (previously known as the Vancouver Act), an invasion of Polish Chicago and Ban on Jews in the works. There will be a factory of certain “free workers,” to do the jobs no one else wants to. A 15% min. wage for those not working there and most importantly no one will have to split the tyrannical vote, or any vote ever again. “Politics is finally honest again,” said a key official.
An old mustache style will be back in again, perhaps mandatory.

In wave of paranoid knee jerks the world of Video Games is following, now since no one knows this like Eidios Montreal, they were convinced to make Nintendo’s next Animal Crossing, a Mayor with more ordinances that he can count, 5 villagers and 5 cops that don’t do nothing but arrest villagers on assumption of guilt. They promise to get to the reason at some point, they know your going to do it.
Cafe will be a psychiatric unit where the Mayor can calm the demanding lot and then rather than be a citizen Mayor who has to get a job in the Cafe or Shake tree, but get 100000 a year for brutally abusing the people. On the upside, in the nature of it all no one is to wear a Niqab but are encouraged to wear a Klan hood…well okay that’s illegal too, there is no telling what color your Mayor will be, he just hates Arabs.
Resetti Secret Service also added and in Eidios style post epoch mode is added as an optional map.
This is the first move since Sony’s President dreamed up a merger that may happen over dead bodies.

Note: Same sex couples were added to make everyone forget the other things.

NWO, BELGUIM – On news that Shovel Knight was not made in Bordeaux France, the enacted Trans-Atlantic Partnership banned it world wide.
When asked why the official, TAPing every ass in the world, said mind your own business this is a secret matter. “Those hating bitches,” saying the people who knew what the TPP is, “TPP is code for Asswhipe Plus” then a before he finished a red dot started bleeding ending the interview.
Unnamed assassin is angry that he was not paid….wonders when that may be…who ever that may be….no one at this news source…

Bed, Bathhouse, and Beyond, QC – Justin Trudeau, buying a new set of hair products has announced a new purposeless promise. He wants the disadvantaged hair everywhere to have the best cream rinse. He has since promised to start a National Endowment for Hair Products in his “Leave no strand behind” platform. “This is desperate and offensive to people with facial hair,” said Mulcair, “his program will not keep me from wearing last night’s Soup. Elizabeth May said it doesn’t do anything about product tested on Animals. Trudeau responded with, “People have hair.”

*Note this report was set in motion before Trudeau saw the polls and changed his mind, it tested low. In the WTF percentage. A CUPE President said “There goes another billion dollar Government employment program, we are saddened by the news.”

Happy Acres Rubber Room, AB – Libertarian Party Candidate was asked in someone’s fantasy about the Media giving a damn about the Libertarian Party about Freedom of Speech. When asked why it wasn’t important for an fundamental liberty to have their concern he said, “I was a fire man.” His supporters say, “oh it isn’t?”
When asked again he referred to it as an out of date concept and that “We need a right to carry guns, protect our crowned property rights, and it doesn’t matter if they block your right to say they took your property, your guns, shut your church down and increased your taxes, I can say it for you.”
No other parties have it on their plat form either. Rhinos rather live on it and think this will give them a chance at a Majority Government with 26 Election Districts alone.

Saving Up For Trudeau Pot Sin Tax, BC – Peter Gordon McKay of the Conservative Party has lost his Patience, “I tried everything with the opposition,” he said, “Why did Harper not resign for my sake?” In outrage of Harper’s stubborn hold of his Leadership of the Conservative Party, McKay has left to be leader of his own Party.
His own Party will consist of his loyalist in Cabinet and be called the Late Nazi Soviet Maoist Party with promises to extend more arms than Party CFO (Earl Cuyler, 52) has to China, Putin’s Russia, and the Disney Corporation. As well as open more free trade to his friends, make CSIS a legal delusion when provable.
“Harper is weak,” he said, “why make Duffy pay back what he took in his terrible character? Lets give him a raise!”
He sighted Harper’s lack of martial law action, saying “Pierre Trudeau knew how to do this and get away with it, what’s the deal?” He through a bottle of fermented maple syrup and ranted drunk through the night. Ranting about no one needs small Government, just to, “hear it may happen” and about something CSIS “encouraged” my stringer not to tell me. He yelled Terrorism a million times and claimed the Niqab bombers are out there, then passed out.

Sitting On My Ass, ON – In a seance today, Ms Muambo Joombo of the..well an institution….gave a seance where the Stanley “The Strapper” Milgram endorsed Tom Mulcair.
When asked why, the late emotional vampire, said, “We all have a choice, and only he would force a man in a chair to make that impossible choice.” In an atmosphere of Tweedle Dee, Tweedle Dumn, and Twiddle Myself choice, he may be right. With some extra time he thanked George Bush Jr for making “Water boarding cool again,” and the Political Pension for being that bullet to the Mulcair Chair. Freud was happy to pop by and say he hopes Elizabeth May, “looks like a lot of Mothers out there.” Freddy Reich also saying, “He is glad they opposition is helping Harper hammer out a new Government,” and stated, “how much he loves the party system as a method to bend wills.”

Someones Arm Chair, CA – David Milgaard joins the Rape Walk today, announcing his guilt of Rape. Despite of course being found wrongfully prosecuted for it. “I am a man,” said Milgaard, “I am a Rapist,” “these brave damsels expressing their distress here have shown me this.”
“I am a man, no matter what the law, I am a rapist,” he continues. Feminist Ana Ragsma said, “This is a wonderful vindication of our work,” she goes on the accuse this male reporter of being a rapist and a wife beater and there is no need for any due process…and for hours later continues with, “Finally there is no need for a trial, any female’s god given right to lie about rape is here.” She finished by pointing out that I have white privilege and yelling “White Woman Power.”